so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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