after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
