capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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