i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
