i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize