I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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