Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
