I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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