His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
