why didn't you poke me back
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
