I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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