I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
