3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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