i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
