It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
