Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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