I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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