I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
