I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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