did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
