Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
