you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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