I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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