Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
