I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
