but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
