Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
