listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
