We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
