I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this just has baby written all over it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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