I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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