Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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