i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
