apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
where are you?
Hypothermia
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
