woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
