I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
