when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize