just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
