I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
