My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Randomize
