You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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