I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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