Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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