It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
