if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize