After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
