I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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