I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
