I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
