I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
