I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
