I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
