How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
