im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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