One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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