Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
