Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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