It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize