i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
