You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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