please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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