I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
