I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
