I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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