what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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