I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
