and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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