I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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